My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
