Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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