North Korea, Best Korea!
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
