Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
