cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
