M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
