The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
