I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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