I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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