Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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