i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
