to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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