I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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