I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
