I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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