He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
