i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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