Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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