I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
