new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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