I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
