It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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