whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
