I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
