i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
