I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car