Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
