You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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