Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
