i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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