Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
