Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
