life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
