Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
