One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
