I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
