Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
