i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
