Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
