I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
