i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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