that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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