Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
