did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
