Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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