I showed him my bush... on skype.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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