I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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