Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
