We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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