You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
