So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
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