when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm sobbing to NWA
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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