he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
