I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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