But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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