ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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