guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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